Welcome to NYC High School Admissions 2024–2025
Let the games begin!
Alright 8th grade students and parent/guardians, let’s get ready to rumble!!!!!! After deep consideration of feedback from last year’s high school application process, we’ve tweaked things a teeny tiny bit. And to those of you who sent notes about how we can take our fantastical sandwich and shove it up our…well, let’s just say WE HEARD YOU.
To simplify things this year, admissions lottery numbers will no longer be endless strings of numbers and letters that you need a firm grasp of theoretical percentiles or at least a chart (Brava, Amelie!) to decipher. Instead, numbers will be actual NUMBERS, in numerical order, and will be assigned on a first come first served basis to any parent who joins or posts in the APPLYING TO HIGH SCHOOLS IN NYC Facebook group with the lottery opening at 12am EST on October 1st. *Note that a lottery presale for Capital One cardholders was seriously considered by ultimately scrapped because of that whole Eras Tour debacle. ** Also, note that numbers will be ROMAN in format.
Students whose parents have not joined aforementioned group or similar group and who are clearly unloved and completely screwed shall receive their numbers starting with bottom of the barrel numbers on a rolling basis but only after which time the Group members have begun infighting and bickering and winnowed anticipated applicant numbers down to a more manageable size after people leave the system (but not necessarily the group, don’t ask us why) to go private.
Due to complaints about the difficulties of attending 10–15 open houses spread over many weeks, with long lines and waitlists and scheduling conflicts, we’ve streamlined the process. Open Houses will all be held at 9 am on a single date to be announced just 24 hours before the date, which will likely be a Monday, so as to mitigate crowds and also eliminate the need for multiple student absences in 8th grade, cause hey those grades might still count, amirite? (Actually, that’s a real question. Do they? Count? We’re still not sure.) All applicants can obviously thus only attend one school’s open house, then can research other schools based on rumors and hearsay if online open houses are not available, which they won’t be.
Audition/portfolio school applicants! We recognize that people did not understand that the House of Cards project for certain programs was a clever metaphor for the whole admissions process so we’re scrapping it. Students interested in programs including fine arts, digital arts, technical theater, fashion design, film, mime, puppetry, macrame and fly-fishing must submit a “dumpster fire” of their own creation. Details can be found on a page in MySchools that doesn’t exist.
A quick word about the SHSAT. We’re changing the name since many people complained that SHSAT was unpronounceable and/or that it sounded like the past tense of shit. It is now the Assessment Screener for Specialized Highschools and Talented Test-takers. (ASSHATT) Problem solved.
Screened schools that have traditionally relied heavily on essays and that appear in the number 1 slot on the vast majority of applications in all of NYC (we’re looking at you, Beacon!) will be shifted to a Hunger Games model. A reaping will be conducted in each district with the two chosen tributes sent to DOE headquarters where they will square off in a battle of intellect/talent show with only the victor actually receiving an offer from the school in question. There may or may not be a surprise ASSHATT (formerly SHSAT), musical numbers, and an Iron Man so students are encouraged to wear comfortable clothes and bring a number 2 pencil and algebraic calculator. Parents are not allowed to volunteer as tribute to take their child’s place in the games, which will be televised. Water can be delivered for a fee.
Schools that have somehow managed to operate as bizarre-o outliers in the applications process…and we’re not naming names — Fame! — will be forced to make public all auditions submitted to programs like drama and voice so that NYC residents can vote in the most deserving students. This program, titled New York’s Got Talent, is in no way affiliated with Simon Cowell, though he will have the final say in the event of a tie. One vote per household; no exceptions for twins. Data rates may apply.
We got wind of a really fun and informative analogy that compares this whole wacky process to a donut shop — like, when your number’s up, you step up to the counter and choose from whatever sad donuts are left after more popular people before you have already picked the best donuts — so we’re running with that! All Family Welcome Centers now serve donuts. While supplies last.
New this year! Any parent or guardian who publicly posts about how their 12-year-old “loves progressive classrooms” or “wants at least 100 AP options” or “is a perfectionist who loves homework” or any similarly ridiculously fantastical projection or humblebrag will be disqualified from high school admissions. Here is a list of houses for sale in New Jersey where we hear people just go to their zoned schools.
Oh! Almost forgot! A word about zoned schools. There ARE none! You didn’t seem to like them anyway, so they’re gone. Done! Boom! YOU’RE WELCOME. Anything previously referred to as a zoned school is now categorized as a “hidden gem.” And so we’re clear, you are not guaranteed a spot in your hidden gem but please do list it among your 12 ranked schools.
Also new this year: AI TECH! No building yet but students will work in online cohorts and meet twice a week in a state-of-the-art VR facility that puts all other actual brick-and-mortar NYC schools to shame. Admission is based entirely on an essay; all essays must be generated using Chat GPT.
Lastly, we’ve worked very hard to make this system equitable and transparent so the most important piece of advice for all students and parents is to, of course, RIOOTP! Please! That’s the only thing that truly matters to succeed in securing a great education for your child! For the love of God, if you do one thing right, RIOOTP! (#IYKYK)
